


Careless

by francoantoniohierro



Series: Turbulent Love and Caring [1]
Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Asshole!Gerard, Bullying, Depression, F/M, High School, M/M, bully!gerard, i don't know how tags here work yet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-03
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2018-11-09 07:33:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11099880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/francoantoniohierro/pseuds/francoantoniohierro
Summary: Frank Iero is Gerard's biggest bully. He's also totally in love with him. ps. Careful/Careless are meant to be parallel stories... which is super weird and extra, i know. It's not necessary to read them both, though.  this is the version that's sad and where Gerard is a fucking loser.





	1. Five. Only five.

**Author's Note:**

> idk this is something that i worked on a long time ago and sort of forgot about it. i wrote like 10,000+ words then just stopped. and i started writing Careful instead. so yeah............. opinions are very welcomed.......

Monday.

Mr Bryar was writing some questions on the board. Half the class was paying attention, the other half wasn't. It was my last class of the day. 

Bryar didn't acknowledge the people whispering at each other or the people checking their cellphones. But he was fully aware that a good amount of people - mostly sitting as far away from him as they could - were distracted. Whispering. And laughing. Bryar was too used to it to care. At the end of the day, those kids were the ones who were going to fail the class, not him. 

“You have twenty minutes to finish it”  
He said calmly, sitting in his desk. We had five questions to finish. We weren’t allowed to open our books. 

Those kids who had been talking during the beginning of the class were now writing down the questions as fast as they could. But they were obviously not going to be able to solve them. Bryar had them all figured out. He was looking at his usual suspects, knowing that they would probably copy off each other. Or open their book. Either way, they were getting detention. 

He didn't even glance at me. I wasn't the smartest in his class, but i did finish all of his assignments. I was also not someone who cheated. Bryar was aware of this. In fact, i think he liked me. A little. He had given encouraging words here and there. Not enough to make me immune to his insatiable homework, just enough to keep him off my back. 

If i had wanted to, i could have cheated. I did not. I finished the assignment in no more than eight minutes. No one else in the room seemed to be as lucky as i was, so they all stared as i left my paper in Bryar’s desk. Bryar didn't smile or talk to me. Not that i blame him: i wouldn’t acknowledge me either.

I walked back to my seat. Everyone was still staring. They only had to solve five simple questions; i don't know know why everyone looked at me as if i had found the cure for cancer. They weren't really that hard to solve at all! They were things that you should know if you were taking the class!

When i was back in my seat i opened one of my notebooks. I still had some homework to do, even if it was due next week. Mr. Bryar didn't mind if i did homework in his class, not if i had already finished his assignment first. He was a good guy, in my opinion. 

The teacher lost interest after a few more minutes. Something very intriguing must have been happening on his phone, because he stopped paying attention to us. He clearly had better things to deal with. I just went back to writing on my notebook.

The girl sitting behind me touched my shoulder a few times - asking me to turn around. It made me feel nervous. People didn’t talk to me at all. I wasn’t sure if i should turn around or not, because i feared that it had been my imagination. How uncomfortable would it be if i turned around and she wasn’t trying to-

"Way"  
The girl whispered before tapping my shoulder again..

Maybe she _did_ wanted to talk to me after all. When i turned around, she had her eyes glued to her paper, as if she was trying to focus really hard on something. But she had only answered one question from the assignment. To be fair, most of the class was probably doing just as bad.

"It's from Iero"  
She said before extending her hand. She gave me a note folded in half. I grabbed it before turning around immediately. It felt disrespectful to talk during Bryar’s class. 

I looked at him just in case. But the teacher was not going to take his eyes from his phone anytime soon. As I started unfolding the note I felt a little excited. People didn’t talk to me all that much. It was just a note, but it was something. It was a proof that someone knew i existed.The note said " _dude i cant find shit. send me the answers_ " . It was in a handwriting that only seemed appropriate for a child.

I felt stupid for thinking it could have been anything else. Instead of doing as i was told, i took out my pencil to write down **"No."** It felt like the right thing: i didn’t even think it twice.

I gave the note back to the girl. Without hesitation i tried reading getting back to my work. Sadly, i was quickly interrupted by the girl behind me. She passed me a note again. This time around when i unfolded the paper, it said " _fuck u_ ". In my opinion, it was as far as the conversation needed to go. So i crumpled up the paper before throwing it inside my messenger bag. 

I knew who Iero was. He was one of those douchebags who seated in the back of the classroom. Although i had never experienced a conversation with him, i was sure he was an idiot. You can _tell_ when someone is an idiot. It's in the way they talk, the way they behave in class and even in their handwriting. I overheard him joking to his friends all the time; making fun of everyone, doing stupid remarks, asking dumb questions in class. It was the people that made me roll my eyes when they weren't even talking to me. 

I didn’t need him or his friends. He was an idiot. It was written all over his ugly face. 

It did feel good to reject his request. He deserved it. That moron, i hope he fails the class. I hope he fails all his classes. His existence infuriated me in general. His friends were annoying douchebags as well, but Iero was the one who acknowledge my existence, so he was the only who i could actually be a dick to.

One more time, I tried concentrating in the homework that i was supposed to be doing. Thinking about Iero wasn't going to help me finish any quicker. I leaned closer to my notebook, focusing on the work i had at hand. I was about to write down an answer, but i was abruptly interrupted when something hit the back of my head. When i looked at the floor to see what it was i felt rage. Some asshole had thrown a paper ball at me. 

What bothered me wasn't so much that it hurt, it was the humiliation after it me. I could hear people in the back of the class giggling as if it was the funniest thing on earth. Those idiots. I took a deep breath before trying to write in my notebook again. This time i succeeded, but my mind was still upset about what had happened. People were _still_ giggling. Not loud enough for the teacher to care, just loud enough to get impregnated in my brain. 

I could hear Iero giggling. I knew he was the one who threw the thing at me in the first place. I had seen him pull that stupid shit on other people before. It was so childish. I wanted to get up and tell them to shut the fuck up.

Two minutes later. Another hit right on the back of my head. A louder explosion of laughter begins. **Iero**. I thought of saying something along the lines of "You know, if you were actually working instead of doing that, you'd probably have finished the assignment by now". It was bad idea though, because i already had the reputation of a being a complete dork. So I stayed quiet listening to those morons. All their stupid jokes. That god awful laughter that Iero had. 

"Fuckin' fatass," I heard Iero whisper in the back of the room "there's a reason no one likes you"

Although the comment was directed at me, he of course didn't have the guts to say my name. Or even say it to my face. It was such childish behaviour. What else could i expect from someone _like him_.

When the bell rang and the class was dismissed i thought everything was over. I thought Iero wasn't going to remember anything by the next day. I thought everything was going to be back at normal. Normal being the state where we did not interact. Things were fine like that. The least social contact with dumbasses in my class, the better. I thought the war was over. That Iero thought he won. 

I had no idea that the war had _just_ started. Of course, if harassing a student can be considered as such. I really didn't think he would care that much. But he did. God, did he took it fucking personal.


	2. Chapter 2

Ray Toro was special. To me, anyways

He wasn’t the most handsome guy on earth - god, _no_. Or the smartest. Or the funniest. Or any of that sort of thing, really.

What made him special was a rare skill that he had. Somehow, Ray Toro doesn’t _hate me_. That’s more than i can say about most of the people in my school. Or most of humanity. Ray Toro doesn’t make fun of me, or gets annoyed when i talk too much, or avoids me like the plague. He talks to me and makes _eye contact_ for christs sake. 

Not sure that we are friends, though. It's hard to tell. I’m not good with that stuff. We hang out occasionally and that’s it. We don’t see each other outside of school. I don’t tell him about my personal problems. We don’t talk to each other everyday. I don’t think there's a special term for that type of “relationship”. We are “okay” with each other. We see each other once or twice per week. 

Ray and I don’t have that much in common. Oh, I can tell he finds most of my conversation topics boring. I can tell that he’s just being nice and all. But I do like having him around. He can make me laugh at times. Ray _is_ special. I can tell he’s just trying to be nice. 

On Tuesdays and Thursdays, Ray drops by the library with some food. He knows that i don’t go anywhere near the cafeteria during the lunchtime. So he meets me in the library instead, and feeds me his cheap sandwiches. We talk about our classes and that’s pretty much it. That’s how far our relationship goes. We also studied together for a biology test once. I’m not sure that i should count that as a big deal either. The thing is, when you’re used to be alone all the time those things do feel like a big deal.

I don't like talking about that stuff though.

The two guys who work in the library don’t mind me. They see me everyday. They let me bring comic books or listen to music there and not get in trouble. If I don’t bother them, they don’t bother me. It's a calm place for me. I don’t think Ray gets it though. 

“I don’t think you noticed” Ray started in a lower voice than usual “But, yesterday some guys were throwing things at you. During chemistry.”

We were sharing a desk on the library. There weren’t any other students around. The two guys who worked there seemed to be using their phones. They did not care about the conversation that Ray and I were having. There was no reason to be so quiet at all. They knew we weren’t working. 

“Iero” I said, talking louder than Ray. “Fuckin’ Iero and his stupid friends.” 

“Why didn’t you say anything? If you know that it's Iero you need to tell someone. I’m sure that Bryar would have told them to stop. They would have gotten detention or something too”

"They would have made fun of me. Why bother?"  
I explained. It seemed like a valid answer in my head. If i told on them, they would make fun of me. If i told them to stop, they would make fun of me. If i didn't do anything they'd just keep making fun of me. Why waste my time? It was futile. The whole thing was silly. What kinda pansy cares about harmless teasing? 

“Gerard, you have to do something about it. If you let them get away with it, it's just going to get worst. You’re telling them that you won’t fight back”  
Ray seemed to be very serious about the subject. Teachers in school would occasionally make us go to conferences about “the dangers of bullying”. It was pretty clear that Ray had paid attention during those talks. He had no idea how things _actually_ worked. Teachers never have any idea.

But Ray was also ...Just a tiny bit right. And that scared me. There was no way I could admit it though. The conversation had taken a turn that i did not like. The whole thing was already stressful to begin with. Why would i want to admit that people were teasing me during class? Did Toro not realize how embarrassing that is? 

“I don’t care. They’re morons. They can do whatever they want.”  
I tried smiling at him, pretending that i didn't care about the issue. That it was below me and all. 

“You can’t let them treat you like that. They’ll get used to it, man. It's dangerous.” 

“I can take care of myself just fine”  
I smiled again as i said this, trying my best to sound convincing. Ray still looked worried. He’s too nice. 

“Can you really? Cause i can tell the teacher if you want”

“I’m not scared of them” It was getting harder and harder to remain calm. Now I was talking very loudly. And i was very nervous. “I just don’t care if some idiot threw a piece of paper at me. It's not a big deal”

God, I don’t like talking about my life at all. I don't like talking about my unhealthy diet. Or my lack of friends in my classes. Or the fact that i need to hide during lunch time. Thats shit is embarrassing. And I certainly do not like talking about the things that people say about me. Its something I'm always trying to avoid. 

“Is that it? Or did he do something else? Like, did he say something?”

Fuckin' fatass, there's a reason no one likes you.

“Fuck no” I wanted to change the subject. Talking about Iero made feel uneasy. “I just didn’t think it was _that_ important. If he does something else i’ll call him out, okay? I’m not a child. I can handle this”

It was a lie. I would never dare to do something like that. But it did seem like the right thing to do. And if that was enough to make Ray shut up about Iero, I was going to respond that. Unsurprisingly, Ray nodded. He probably thought he was saving me or some shit. That he _knew_ better.

“Good. I don’t want them bothering you. I mean, things are getting better now.”

The only difference in my life was that Ray talked to me now. Things weren’t _better_. They were exactly the same. Only difference is that now someone pretended to care about me. Life was still miserable for me. But he doesnt wanna hear that, i suppose. 

“Yeah”

“You need to meet more people, you know? Guys like Iero only mess with you cause they think it's easy. Since you’re always…” He took a pause. Not knowing if he should continue or not”- alone and all...”

“I know you. What else do you want?”

“I mean, you could meet more people. That wouldn’t hurt, would it?” He took a moment to think “Are you going to Chelsea’s party? We could have fun there. You could hang out with me and my friends.”

"I wasn't invited"  
I replied with a frown. It should have been obvious after all. I couldn’t fucking tell you who Chelsea was, even if my life depended on it.

“You can come. There's not going to be a guest list, man.” He laughed as if the idea sounded ridiculous “No one really cares if you drop by"

It made sense. Hell, probably half the people who were going to show up weren’t invited either. I wouldn’t get in any real trouble. But i have never been in a party before. People like me don’t go to parties - ever. That's kinda the thing that makes parties way better than school and all. No teachers and no losers allowed.

Abruptly, I stopped to think about Iero again. Iero and his friends. He could be going too. Everyone liked him. Everyone who wasn't me, at least. He was probably invited to every party that had ever happened or was going to happen. Him and his friends could go to Chelsea's party too. That was not good. That could ruin my entire night.

There wouldn’t be any teachers there. They could do whatever the hell they wanted there. Bad things happen at parties. People take you embarrassing pictures. People get drugged. People get beat up. Police gets involved. People fucking die. I've seen the movies and all. 

"I don’t know, i don't feel like it"

"It's gonna be fun. No one is going to mind if you come along. You’ll make new friends"  
For whatever reason, Ray was trying to make me into his charity case. And a successful charity case at that. He was offering me things that i would have never dreamed of doing. Going to a party? Meeting new people? Hanging out with Ray’s other friends? It was a lot to take in.

"Sorry, i dont think its right for me. My mom would probably freak out about it."

"If you're worrying about that douchebag," Ray said as if i had been obvious about my fears "he never shows up to these things. I mean, he does go to parties: but he goes to cool ones. He probably doesn't even know who Chelsea is, let alone her address.”  
He didn't seem worried in the slightest. As if this information was common knowledge for everyone. And i suppose it was, so i nodded. 

"Yeah, I wasn't asking because of him" I lied "I just don't feel like going"

"Fine.” It was totally not fine “But if you change your mind, tell me about it"

My only response was to smile at him. Now i actually did want to go to that stupid party, after all. It sounded safe now. If Iero didn’t bother, his friends wouldn’t either. Therefore, it was the type of party that i could actually attend. And maybe not get murdered. 

***  
"Gerard, pass these papers"  
Mr. Bryar said, pointing at a mountain of papers on top of his desk. It wasn't an unusual request. He'd bring papers with exercises all the time. He'd always pick someone to pass them around too. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary. Most days were like this. 

The thing is, i was never picked to do that sort of thing. Everyone with a sane mind would know how uncomfortable it would be. I barely knew the names of most of my classmates. Why would i be picked for that? My anxious brain can’t just deal with stuff like that out of the blue. As insignificant as it was, it made me panic. 

But Bryar had said Gerard. I was the only Gerard in class. We had three Frank's. Two Jessica's. Two Scott's. And certainly, only one Gerard. I kept looking around to the people next to me in the class, as if somehow a new different Gerard was going to appear. As if some brave hero was going to say “No, teacher, i’ll do it”. Neither of those things happened. 

If there was only one Gerard, that would mean Bryar was referring to me, which would make no sense cause-

"Gerard," The teacher called again, mildly annoyed "the papers"

It made me feel terrified. It was such a simple task- couldn't he make anyone else do it? anyone who wasn't scared of making eye contact with people, perhaps? anyone who wouldn't be made fun of for doing it? Like one of the nerdy kids that actually like helping with the class? No, he had to pick me. I must have been wrong all this time: Bryar didn't like me. No one in the class liked me. Even Ray Toro was only talking to me out of pity, i knew that. Ray didn't like me. Bryar didn't like me. And certainly no one in the entire school liked me either. 

It took me a very long time to get to Bryar’s desk, as if that was going to make him change his mind. When I grabbed the papers he didn't even look up to see me. He didn't care. He knew no one in the class liked me, he knew that i didn't want to do it, and he just didn't care. He probably thought it was some sort of tantrum. But it wasn’t. I was legitimately frightened. People are assholes. I didn’t want to do it.

How was i supposed to deal with someone like Iero? I had never been near the guy. I couldn’t look at that rat up close. 

The first people weren’t so hard. They didn’t make eye contact with me as I put the exercises on their desks. They simply didn’t care. As I kept going I started breathing loudly, and i could tell people felt uncomfortable when i got near them. It was clumsy and awkward and exactly what anyone would have expected from me. 

A few girls did said thank you, which made me feel better. But my mouth was unable to say anything back. If i talked, i could make things worse for me. Its pretty easy to fuck up when you are someone like me. There was no reason to push my luck like that with people. 

Whenever i reached one of Iero’s friends they were awfully quiet. It was not making me feel any safer. It was a warning sign. Things were going south pretty quickly. They did care. They did notice how scared i was. Those idiots can smell that shit from a mile away. 

I felt panic as i got closer to Iero. I didn't have to talk to him, or make any sort of contact, but i was still scared. I had never even been close to his seat before. It was off bounds. Not my territory. Things were going to end up badly - I could feel it. 

It was overwhelming, I felt weaker as i got to his desk. My heart was pumping harder than ever before. I didn’t know what to expect from that evil creature. There was no way he was going to be nice to me. The guy clearly had a problem with me. What do children do when they don’t like you? They throw things, tell you gross things. That's the type of behavior one can expect from Iero.

I grabbed a sheet of paper, and i placed it in his desk as careful as i could. I tried not to look at him. I didn't get to do those things. I only looked at the desk. The whole thing was stupid. 

Once i was done i felt relief for maybe a second. Then, I witnessed Iero taking the piece of paper and throwing it into the ground. I was about to leave, but now i wasn’t sure what to do. I felt in danger there. But i was too scared to move. I watched the paper slowly reach the ground.

"Could you get that?"  
He asked pointing at the paper he had clearly tossed in the floor on purpose. 

It made me startled. If i didn't do it, they'd make fun of me. If i did do it, they would too. What was i supposed to do? They were assholes. Iero threw the damn paper like a child. Why was i supposed to handle that brat? 

Why did Bryar had to pick me? I couldn’t deal with people like that.

It was better to obey them though. I got on my knees to get it. Not a great choice. I didn't have time to think about it though. I just wanted to get the whole thing over with.

When I looked down the chuckles started. They weren't too loud, so i wasn't really bothered. I imagined that Frank was maybe doing silly faces or something. They wanted a reaction from me. If i cared, they won. So i ignored it. Took the damn piece of paper and carried on. 

It all happened pretty fast. I got up and placed the paper on the desk again. Then i continued walking to hand more people their exercises. I truly had no idea of what had just happened. I thought things were fine. That i still had some of my dignity left. Boy, how wrong was i. 

It was a matter of only a few steps before the loud, obnoxious laughters broke free. I tried to remain calm. I had guessed they were laughing because i got on my knees next to Iero, and they thought that was so fucking funny. But i was wrong. Things were really bad. 

I was going to hand a paper to a different person, but i was interrupted by Mr Bryar:

"Gerard" He started, making the room silent again "I think somebody else can take care of that," 

That was actually something i wanted to hear. As i went towards his desk the chuckles started again. This time they were barely audible though. They probably knew that Bryar didn’t find the situation very funny. 

I gave Bryar the papers back. This time around Bryar looked very concerned 

"Wouldn't you like to get out for a moment? Maybe call someone?"

My classmates couldn't take it anymore. Those questions were too funny for them to handle. They all laughed in unison, acting like something surreal had happened. It was the best thing ever - for them. The type of shit you only see once in a lifetime.

"Why?"  
I asked making Iero and his crowd laugh even harder. Mr Bryar looked at me almost apologetic. 

"You have-” More laughter “Gerard, you have gum stuck on your hair” 

I gasped. I didn’t care that it made people laugh harder. I genuinely couldn’t believe what Bryar had said. I didn’t know what the fuck i was supposed to do. I just looked at him in disbelief. What he said couldn’t possibly be happening.

If Bryar had picked anyone else, nothing bad would have happened. I was sure of it. 

He had crossed a line. Iero had truly done something low, even for his standards. It was something that only a kid in elementary school would do. Getting gum in _my_ hair? The long hair i've been taking care of for years? Who the fuck does _he_ thinks he is? I mean, does he realize for how long i've avoided getting a haircut? Does he have any idea what it's like to keep long hair healthy? Its really not that easy!

But that midget didn’t know anything about that. Or else he wouldn’t have committed such a childish thing. It was so low of him.

"Oh my god"  
Was all i managed to say. I started touching the back of my hair. I wanted to make sure that there was something really there. And fuck, there it was. The sticky substance was the first thing my fingers touched. It wasn’t just one piece of gum either. Iero had chewed various pieces of them at the same time or something. It was one of the nastiest things i ever felt. It made my skin crawl. It was a nightmare coming to life. 

The worst part was the laughter as the terror took control over me. I thought i was going to have to shave my head. That was hilarious to them. My despair entertained them. It was amusing to _them_.

It was one of the worst days of my life. My classmates would point at me with their fingers as if they couldn’t believe what was happening. They were all laughing. For the first time since elementary school, i wanted to cry in class. There was nowhere to run. The death if my social life, for everyone to see it.

"Gerard, calm down" I heard Bryar say. I didn't even notice him getting up from his seat, but suddenly he was giving me a pat in the back "You need to call your parents"

I couldn’t speak. If i did, i would just start crying in front of everyone. Things would get worse. People don’t pity ugly motherfuckers with fucked up hair. Instead, i merely nodded. Then i was running towards the door. I needed to get out of there. I couldn't let myself weep in front of everyone. They had seen more than enough. At the end of the day, that's exactly what they wanted to see, and i didnt want to make Iero win.

He’s going to be the end of me. I know now. He truly thinks im below him. And maybe i am. 

I ran towards the bathrooms. I didn't want to call my mom. I didn't want to tell her that everyone in school hated me. I didn't want anyone to know. That was a conversation that i wasn't ready to have. It was too shameful. Instead of that, i locked myself in one of the stalls and cried. 

Bryar was going to call my mom anyway. Eventually. I needed to cry.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo..... i'm back sort of................ idk..... a lovely anon 2 weeks ago asked me to post more so i thought "why not". hopefully that anon is reading this cause ily.

The next day of school was a surreal experience to me.

Something I was never going to forget. And boy, I try to sometimes. I really do.

Honestly, I was not the same person as I had been the day before. Not quite. My dark hair was shorter. My willingness to live was a lot lower too. And, for the first time ever, I was wearing makeup in public. Very obvious makeup.

In fact, I had plenty of experience trying out my mother’s cosmetics. Oh, i could sort of do eyeliner. Fill in my brows in a competent way. Sometimes maybe even put on one of her old lipsticks. The ones in funky colors that she never uses.

But those type of things stayed at home. Where it belonged. Between me, my mom’s makeup bag and the dirty mirror. I always washed everything off before anyone could see what I had been doing. There couldn't be any evidence.

Naturally, my mother was aware that someone had been using her stuff. But she never asked any questions about it. It was for the best. Neither of us had the courage to talk about it. It was none of her business.

But that morning something had taken over me. This new haircut was very short, and it accentuated every inch of my face that i hated. For a very long time I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror. Trying to find a solution. Trying to move the few strands of hair that i had into something i liked. Nothing made any difference. I couldn't cover my face with my long hair anymore. I was exposed. People had to really _see_ my face now. That couldn't be good.

Wearing some ugly hat wasn't going to help. Ironing my hair wasn't going to help. Wearing a hoodie wasn't going to help.

After a long time contemplating what to do, I knew what was next. Makeup was the only thing that I had. Ugly motherfuckers like me dont have much of a choice. Either you hide your face with your long hair, or you cake makeup on. There's nothing else for us to do. Other than plastic surgery, i guess. And honestly, my face is such a mess that if i were to get plastic surgery i wouldn't know where to start.

And so...makeup it was.

Most of my morning was spent in my mother’s vanity. A lot of my time was devoted to just applying the eyeliner - my personal nightmare. The perfectionist in me always took eyeliner as a form of masochism. And an effective one at that. Other than the eyeliner, I only wore mascara and foundation. See, with a face like mine it's pretty easy for makeup to go into the “clown” territory. Or the “demon from hell” territory. So I wasn't going to push my luck too much. If it was simple, there was less chance of me screwing up.

The foundation was a little too dark for my skintone. The mascara made my eyelashes look clumpy. And the eyeliner was just a tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiny bit too long on the right eye. Which was absolutely going to bother me for the rest of the day. But it was late, and if I tried to fix anything it was only going to get worse.

So i gave up. At least I looked better than I did without the makeup. Fuck it, that was all that I wanted to accomplish anyway.

When I  walked downstairs my parents didn't say a thing about it. Neither did Mikey. And i was glad, because had they said anything I would have washed it off immediately. And cried till I was late for school.

We had breakfast in dead silence. No dirty looks even. Just indifference. I was trying to appear confident with my look, but I couldn't help but to feel shame. If they said anything negative about it, I was going to crumble into a million pieces.

But they didn't.

Just silence. A very unfriendly silence.

***

So there I was, walking to class with a new haircut. AND wearing my mother’s makeup. After one of the most embarrassing days of my life. Feeling like I was going to start crying at any second.

Really, I was lucky that everyone didn't start laughing hysterically at me. Even with all of my effort to look “normal” I still looked ridiculous. It was pathetic. They should have been laughing and pointing at me again. But instead, I was greeted with absolute silence. People would stare, point, and whisper at each other. Of course they would. But no one really said anything to my face - which I was happy about. They kept it among themselves. God, i wish they kept EVERYTHING among themselves.

I can imagine there's a reason for that silence. Probably some teacher gave an ultimatum. Something along the lines of “Don’t make fun of Gerard or you’ll get detention. If you do, her mother will complain to our principal (again) and we can't stand it. He doesn't want to hear about it anymore!”. It has happened to me before. The kids will listen to the warning for maybe two weeks. Then go back to the usual shenanigans. The way it's supposed to go.

While getting to class, I catched Iero staring at me. Not in the usual dismissive way though. This time around he looked puzzled. Honestly, i don't think he recognized me with the new haircut. He probably got weirded out because he thought I was a new student or something. A juicy new victim he could prey on or something. Because he kept looking at me for the longest time. As if he had never seen me before. As if he was learning every inch of my face.

It was very strange. Neither of us smiled. Or had any expression on our faces. We sort of just looked at each other. It was real fucking awkward for the both of us. In the end, I headed towards the classroom avoiding any more eye contact. If I tested my luck any more he was probably going to yell something crude at me. It was way too early to be dealing with all of that.

Even as i walked away I knew that he was still staring. Probably asking to himself: “Was that…? Or was it not?”

***

“I mean, I think it suits you”

Ray’s friend said. After saying this, he took a huge bite of his sandwich.

The sandwich fell apart on the plate. It didn't look appetizing anymore. It was mostly veggies and mayo. My two mortal enemies. Even the smell of it made me sick. Of course this was the type of friend that Ray had besides me.

“Thanks.”

There wasn't much to say about it. The guy probably knew about what had happened the day before. He was only trying to be nice because of it. Hell, maybe even Ray asked him to compliment me. There was no way I looked any better than “decent”.

Ray’s friend was called Patrick. We didn't have any classes together. In fact, I had only seen him in school a handful of times. We had never talked before. But I didn't dislike him, not yet. Even if his taste in sandwiches was terrible. Even if he was only being fake nice. The guy had a charm to him.

“It's not the worst thing ever, I guess”

Ray declared. He didn't seem too excited about the look. The subject made him uncomfortable. Don't think he liked it at all. His reaction made more sense than Patrick's.

The three of us were in the library eating. Well, **they** were eating. I was there to hide. Now with makeup on, I was even more vulnerable to get my ass kicked during lunch.

Most of the discussion had (sadly) revolved around my appearance. Patrick was the one speaking for the most part. Ray and I mostly nodded to whatever he said. Because he was _that_ nice. And when someone is _that_  nice, they're never wrong.

“I guess”

Was what I echoed, unsure of what to make of Ray’s comment.

“I don't know about the… you know, the thing on your eyes…”

He pointed towards my eyes. The guy looked genuinely lost for words. As if makeup was a completely foreign language to him. Something strange and mysterious.

“The eyeliner?”

It seemed so obvious to me. Eye-liner. What was so hard about that one? Did he think that knowing what eyeliner would turn him gay or something? Or was he really that oblivious? Didn't even want to know.

“Yeah. That can go.” He quickly replied “It draws too much attention to yourself. Don't you think?”

“No! It looks awesome. Don't listen to him. It's the best part. You have better eyeliner than half the girls in school." He talked so confidently about this, I almost believed it "Ray doesnt know better. Look at him!”

Patrick pointed at his friend.

At first i was hesitant to talk to Patrick, but I could get used to his company. This guy **got it**. He understood what I was going for and genuinely liked it. That never happened.

“Look, i’m not saying it looks bad… it's just, it gets people's attention?. A dude who wears makeup is going to turn some heads around. Is that what you want now...?”

“Hmmm”

“...Attention?”

More attention? I didn't need any of it. People were going to remember that stupid bubblegum prank for the rest of their lives. They didn't need any more ammo against me. I didn't need any more looks than i already got. But at the same time...

“Not exactly. I like the way it looks. I guess... I like doing it...”

There wasn't anything else i could say. Ray’s concern was bringing up a valid point. It's not safe for losers like me to draw attention to ourselves. It always leads to humiliation.

“Well, my boyfriend wears makeup everywhere. People don't care, it's not that big of a deal. It's not weird or something”

The casual mention if Patrick's boyfriend caught me off guard. There wasn't any sign of shame or worry when he said it. As if he knew that it wasn't going to make us uncomfortable. Or maybe, because he didn't care if it did.

Man, I actually like this guy. That's so strange.

“Well yeah, but your boyfriends is kind of a...Special guy. And...hes-hes **not** **like Gerard** , is he?”

Ray made strange motions with his hands.

It didn't feel good to be left out of the conversation like that. Especially not when no one explained what the fuck does “ **not like Gerard** ” mean. Is that some sort of fancy codeword for “not socially inept”? Because if it is, i’d prefer it if they didnt use it when i'm around. It was kind of upsetting.

“Is he in this school?”

I asked, since clearly I was the only one who had not met him.

“Yeah, Wentz. Have you guys talked? You look like someone he’d like.”

Is that code word for faggy? Weird? Strange? Man… Is it? **Like Gerard?** Is that it? Is that what it means? Cause it works, but I really don't like it.

“No. Dont think I've ever heard of him before”

“He’s going to Chelsea’s party”

Ray smiled at me while he said it, triumphant. He was still at it with the stupid party stuff.

All i could do was roll my eyes. It was not something I wanted to talk about - not again. The whole thing was ridiculous. People like me don't belong at parties. Never. It goes against nature.

“What's that about?” Patrick interjects “Are you going too?”

“No-”

“He hasn't decided. Still thinking about it though!”

Ray tells him, making me roll my eyes again. 

“Are you?”

Patrick asks.

Silence. If i go into details as to why i don't want to go… Man, they're just going to think I'm weird. I get nothing out of it. If i just say no, they'll think I’m strange too. This is one of the reasons why it's best to avoid people. They involve too many rules and regulations. If im always alone and quiet, at least I'm not failing at things.

Right now I’m not alone. And I'm afraid im going to fail. With these new people. That I very much like. Hell, I wish I didn't.

“Don't make us beg! Patrick is going to be there, Wentz, me, and a bunch of cool people. Don't you wanna hang out? Don't lie, we know you have no plans for that night.”

There were plans though. Spending the night all by myself. Maybe playing video games. Maybe reading something. If i felt fancy, maybe even both. Was that a good answer? A non- _let's never talk to him again_ answer? I don't get people enough to do this.

“It's not that i don’t like you guys, it's just not my scene.”

Meeting people. Loud noises. Crowded places. Just people in general. Never been my thing. The entire time I'm going to be uncomfortable. There's no reason to try. Seeing people at school is already bad. Seeing people out side of school is only going to be worse for me. People in general are my absolute ruin.

“And? What exactly is your scene? Other than the library”

Ray left me speechless for a long moment.

My house. Alone. That was the only scene I have ever gotten to explore. Frankly, I didn't know of anything else. It had never even interested me. And no one had convinced me otherwise.

“I don't know -- i just don’t wanna be there on my own”

“You won't. We'll stick with you. That's a promise, Gerard”

I took another long pause. There was still a lot of fear in me. But still. No one had asked me to go to a party before. If I didn't go, no one ever was going to ask me again. And yeah… Parties probably suck … and they're filled with people i hate… but god damn it,i want to be _invited_ to parties. It should't feel so good, but it does.

“Alright. Alright. Alright, I’ll go. But the moment I get bored you guys will take me home. Promise?”

“Promise! You won't be bored, man!”

***

The rest of the day wasn't so bad, even for my very low standards. The day hadn't been as dreadful as it usually was. No, I got to meet Patrick **AND** a girl from one of my classes **AND**  I was going to a party. Things like that don't ever happen to someone like me. We do not meet new people ever. We are supposed to stay alone till we finish high school and vanish from our towns. No male friends. Definitely no girl friends either. 

But. 

We had to a work in pairs, and a girl actually wanted to be partners with me. Me. The guy who cried in school just the day before. The guy who wore eyeliner. And looked like a corpse. Me. That guy. 

Maybe the teachers did tell people to knock it off and start being nice to me. Who knows. It was the only answer that made sense to me any way. And if they did do that, I'm a little thankful. Even if everyone was only being nice because they were being forced to.

Even Iero and his friends hadn't bothered me. They didn't acknowledge me in our classes together. Iero would look at me, but he wouldn't say a single thing. Maybe he felt bad. Who knows. Children **are** unpredictable creatures. Perhaps he was still figuring it out if I was Gerard or not. God knows that boy is slow.

Things changed once school was over, though. I should have expected that. But i guess I got too confident. Silly me actually thought things would be good. As if i were someone else. But no. Life always reminds me: you're a fucking loser. And that's all I'm ever going to be here. At least I'm smart. At least I'm not 5'5... ~~Unlike~~...

At the end of the day, I'm going to graduate with perfect grades. Those idiots are going to stay here, in this awful neighborhood, fixing cars and shit. And I'm gonna go away, to be a loser somewhere peaceful. All of this high school shit doesnt matter. All these bruises and cuts will fade. Eventually, i’m sure…

Mikey wasn't around to see it. He was walking a friend home. Some girl from his classes. And I was glad he wasn't there. If he had been with me with me, i think I would have died from the embarrassment. Getting beat up while my little brother watched sounded like hell. Mikey didn't deserve to go through that. It was probably bad enough having to live with me. But to see me getting humiliated?  Gosh, he didn't deserve any of that. If I can be thankful of one thing, I'm thankful that Mikey wasn't involved.

It happened a few blocks away from school. I was completely alone.

And it started with someone yelling:

“Turn around, faggot”

Then i knew. I knew exactly what was going to happen next. Because it was exactly the type of thing that would happen to me.    
  
***


	4. Chapter 4

The worst part was having to go home. No friends, no one to call. No help. Not even strangers walking by that pity me. No, I had to get home all by myself. Even though my entire body was hurting like hell. Even though walking was becoming more and more difficult. Hell, even breathing was becoming difficult. And there was not a single soul i could rely on for help. 

All my makeup was either gone or hanging in awkward places of my face. There was blood covering all of my clothes, but i couldn’t even tell where it was coming from. I didn’t want to check either. Everything was aching. My mouth tasted copper. Breathing through my nose was difficult. Everything was stained. My vision was blurry. And i needed to get home before 7, or dad would complain.

So i didn’t stop. My health wasn’t important. What i actually needed to do was 1) Get home and 2) hide for the rest of my life.

When I finally got home I locked myself in the basement as soon as possible. No one needed to see me. No one needed to know that I existed. Later… All of those things didn’t matter...Later…

My mother started calling my name as soon as I closed the basement door. She was in the kitchen, asking the usual questions. “Where have you been? Baby, why are you so late? Where were you? Why didn’t you call me? I was worried. Were you with some friends”. God, I did not want to see her yet.

Most of the time, I had no real reason to be late. I would spend the afternoon in the library, maybe smoking a cigarette outside school. But this time I actually had something to hide. Something she didn't need to know about. Something real fucking bad.

“Leave me alone”    
Was all i managed to say. I was so fucking tired. From school, from those guys, from the beat up, from life. I didn't want to deal with my mother about school again. It was the worst. There was nothing i could do get the kids in school to like me! Ever! But mom never understood that. She always acted like it was my fault.

Everything was fine. My grades were good. Sure, sometimes people tease me. Whatever. That’s all there is to it. What the fuck am i supposed to say. Everything was fine.

She was still calling my name, but I refused to talk to her. Instead, I turned on the stereo as loud as i could. Some local station was playing a 90s song about teen angst. Didn’t felt like changing it. It seemed appropriate.

“You’re scaring me, Gerard”

Was what i could hear my mother saying. It didn’t make me feel any different. I still didn’t want to talk to her, to the school principal, or whatever shitty therapist i would get. I wanted to avoid all of that. It was fucking embarrassing. It was shitty high school drama that i did not want to have. I just wanted to move on like nothing had ever happened. As i always did.

The next few minutes were spent looking at myself in the mirror. The music and my mother’s calls all felt distant. I could only focus on the marks in my face. Small cuts all over my face. A fucked up nose that wouldn’t stop bleeding. And the worst part, the bruised skin around my left eye. I could barely open it. How long could it take to heal? A day? A month? A lifetime?

More importantly, how was i going to wear eyeliner now? That was just plain rude.  

“Gerard, don’t make me call him”

That made me turn around. Having dad involved would make everything ten times worse. 

If mom was hard to talk to, dad was an entirely different language. The man didn't want reasoning or discussion. He wanted to be angry, threaten people, be violent and then angry again. Regardless of what i could say, the man was going to be mad. And yelling at me. Perhaps pushing me around. Maybe worse. It's always unpredictable when you’re dealing with someone who doesn't care about you.

“Don’t! I’ll open up!” Before doing anything, I looked at the mirror again.There was no way makeup could hide all of that. And if there was, I didn’t have the time for it. She was going to see it. There was nothing i could do about it. “Just- Give me a minute”

It was bad. The type of thing that could make her break into tears.

The moment  I opened the door I knew what to expect. My mother screamed at the mere sight of me. It was as if **I**  had scared her. As if the idea that I  ~~of all people~~  was his son... terrified her. It made me feel so defeated. It was the last thing I wanted to be dealing with.

“Gerard, what is this?” She tried getting closer, and then touched the bruised skin. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. But my wince in pain probably brought her back to earth. The marks were real. It was happening. This was his son “Gerard, are the kids in school bothering you again? Are you okay? We need to call the school”

“No! Mom you're only going to make things worse! Let me deal with this!”

There was no way I was going to tell the principal about what happened. She didn’t get it. Defending yourself only makes things worse for you. It's only going to make **him**  angrier at me.

“Who did this, baby? You can’t let them get away with” She kept touching the marks in my face “This... _This_ ”

“Yes we can! This isn't new, ma! I know how these people are. If I make a big fuss out of this it's going to make things worst. Please trust me on this-”

These conversations usually went like this. No matter how much i tried, they never listened to what i was saying. None of my words matter. They were going to say the same things.

“Baby, what am I going to tell your father? How are you going to explain this?”

“God, you guys just don't get it!”

More than anything, I wanted to disappear. The closest I could do was lie in bed as she kept talking. She kept asking questions but i was gone. Looking at the ceiling. Focusing on the loud music. Not being there.

It was all too familiar. And exhausting. It didn’t matter. If it wasn’t Frank bothering me, it would be one of his friends. If it wasn’t Frank and his friends, it would be some other kids in New York. It would be some other kids in Michigan. It would be some other kids in Nebraska. It was the way things went for me. None of this was new. All schools were the same. All kids in high school were the same. There was nothing to do.

Things never changed. High school **never** ever changes.   
  
Mom turned off the stereo. She wanted my full attention. It bothered me more than it should have. Things were already bad enough. At least let me have a nice soundtrack, for christ’s sake. 

“Then tell me what happened.”

She said the sentence slowly, trying to get her point across. 

“Its stupid!”

I didn’t even look at her. Maybe if I disassociated hard enough, I would stop existing entirely. That was a nice thought.

“Talk to me! You’re scaring me!”

Fuck. Everything was still happening. This was still my shitty life. Now i had to come up with something to say. Something that wouldn’t make dad angry. And quick.

“I-” I stopped for a moment. Then my brain started working again “I- I got in a fight with some guy from school. Okay? Clearly, I didn't win. It was a fight. Outside of school. I didn’t think-”

“A fight?!” She said this so loudly. It completely ruined my train of thought “Why are you picking fights with people? What- Why are you trying to get in trouble? Why must you-”

“I’m telling you it's dumb! I don’t wanna talk about it!”

“What was the fight about?”

There had to be something I could say. Something that wasn’t weird or embarrassing. Something **“not like Gerard”.** If Ray or Patrick here they’d know what to say. God damn it. Things would be better if i was more like them.

“It was about some girl! That's all!”

“A girl you like?”

“Yes, this girl i like…” Why did it feel so embarrassing saying those girls out loud? Why did it feel so unnatural? “He has a boyfriend. And we got into a fight and i- i lost. That's all, ma!”

“Was he-”

“He's not in any of my classes! I don't even know his name! Can we please forget about this? I dont wanna talk about it anymore. It's embarrassing, ma”

“Gerard … is this… is this really about a _girl_?...”

Something about the question bothered me. She had an expression on her face while she asked. This expression of doubt - but not at the excuse itself. There was doubt on her face when she said “ _girl_ ”. That was the suspicious part to her. Not that i had never gotten into a fight in my life. It was the _girl_.   
  
Sure, i hadn’t had any girlfriends yet. But that didn’t mean… 

“Yes. Yes! Yes! What do you mean? It's a girl! Chelsea. It's all about a girl, ma! God!”

Silence.

“Let me get you some ice”   
  
****

 

“Who did it?”

Ray already knew the answer. But he probably felt that it would be rude not to ask.

“You know who”   
  
This day i didn’t want to be around Ray. Instead, i wanted to be all by myself. Maybe reading something. Maybe just not existing. Either way, the questions about the bruises were no fun. They were lame at home, and they were just as annoying in school. People didn’t care about me. It was all morbid curiosity.

“Iero?”   
Ray asked, as if he needed a clarification. 

"The whole gang. Iero, McCracken and, y’know, the whole idiot gang”

“And you were all by yourself?” Of course i was. As i was supposed to be. “What a pansy. That’s not fair”

_That’s the point._ Ray didn’t get it either. He had no idea how things worked. If he did, he would have never talked to me in the first place. I’m the last person anyone should be talking to. Associating with me can be poisonous. He’s lucky no one can see us together in this library. Or else, he probably wouldn't be invited to any parties either.

“Hmmmm”

“What did they even want?”

“Its- Its about that stupid prank they pulled. Its fucking stupid. They-- They don’t want me to tell the principal about the stupid thing they did.”   
  
"But you already told him.”

“Not exactly…” Ray seemed ready to argue with me, but I quickly continued “No, you don’t get it okay? You weren’t there. My mom freaked the fucked out! She wanted blood. It's not the first time something like that happens to me. She was very angry. And- she wanted to expel everyone involved and i don’t even know what to think about that. It was a lot! I just! Skipped it all!”   
  
“But you told _her_ , right? About them?”   
  
“No… I’m telling you, she wanted to get people in trouble and i just… It made me nervous!” God, i felt so stupid explaining myself out loud “She wanted names but i didn’t say anything. I told her it was this big misunderstanding and that the gum fell on me by accident.”   
  
“Why?!”   
Ray was getting even more frustrated now. None of my answers were working on him. But it was all the truth. It was the way things were!   
  
“Because! The principal wanted names and-”   
  
“And?”   
  
“I was gonna get them in trouble.”   
  
_ That’s the point. _

“Gerard-”  
  
“ _It draws too much attention_ , i don’t like it." I hoped that it would make Ray understand a little better "And i don’t even care if they do their stupid pranks or whatever. I mean, I wasn’t going to tell on them! It's ridiculous, i just want to forget the whole thing. And **this**. And move on”

“Gerard, they gave you a black eye. This is beyond harmless teasing.”   
  
“I don’t care! They’re not going to do anything to me anymore! Its done. They said that if i told the principal names things would get worse for me. Why the fuck would i do that? Things are fine as long as i keep my mouth shut about all of it”

“Gerard, they’re not going to stop.”

He was right. I knew he was right, but I needed to convince myself that i didn’t. That maybe for once things would go okay for me. 

“Dude, i’m telling you. I’ve been like this, pretty much my entire life. I know what happens when you start ratting people out. I don’t want that. Things are going to be chill now”   
  
“They’ll get in trouble and it would be the end of it”   
  
“Yeah, but I'll get into worse things! I’ll have to change towns and shit. Its obnoxious. I don’t want to leave Jersey. Not for them. I’ll just ignore them. It's not something the principal or the teacher or anyone can solve.”   
  
He sighed very loudly. There was genuine disappointment in his face. None of what i was saying made sense to him. It all probably sounded mad to him. Can’t blame him. But it makes sense in my head, at the very least.

“What is it about Iero?”   
  
“Uh?”   
It completely caught me off guard. Hearing his name alone made me feel uneasy.   
  
“What is it about him and his friends? Why do you just let this things happen?”   
  
“I-I don’t think about Iero at all. He’s no one to me. It's not about him.”

“C’mon. The guy could kill you and you’d still say it was your fault for existing. If Iero wasn’t involved, you’d tell someone. Wouldn’t you?”   
  
“Well… yeah!” He chuckled to himself when he heard that. It made me flustered. “But if it were someone else, then i’d be worried. If its Iero, that’s just him being an idiot. It's nothing to make a fuss about. It's how he is! He’s… He’s so fucking stupid. I-I can’t expect anything else from him.”

“Rat him out and maybe he will change. Maybe he’ll wise up!”

**No. Never. Not going to happen.**  
  
“He wouldn’t. Its Iero we’re talking about.”   
  
“Seriously… What is it about the guy? How does he have so much control over you? Have you guys even talked? One on one? Ever? He’s not nearly as intimidating as you think he is.”   
  
“We’ve talked! Through notes... One time. But i know him, alright! We have most of our classes together. So I see him, and i hear him to talk to his friends. I know exactly what he’s like. Okay?”   
  
“You don’t. Rat him out. Him and his friends. It's going to make everything easier for you”

“He doesn’t deserve it, okay? He’s stupid. Very, very, very, very stupid. But i don’t think he’s malicious. So i don’t want him to get expelled or something”

There was nothing weird happening. It was all for my safety. That was all. And for Frank’s safety. Whatever he was suggesting, I didn’t like in the slightest. It made me glad that Patrick wasn’t around. Because if he was, i would have gotten too uncomfortable to speak. Probably would have left the room entirely.   
  
“Course you don’t. If he gets expelled, who are you going to stare at during your classes? Right?”   
  
**Shut up. Shut up. Shut the fuck up.**

“Knock it off? You know i hate that guy”

“Then act like it”   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey posting another chapter tonight bc i havent posted in a long time and whatever i need to start posting stuff more often... anon if u out there ily again


	5. Battle for the sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello. i was at the hospital for a few months and frankly like has been kind of a mess. but i'm better now and i'm working on PART II of In flameszs!!!! i hope its done by halloween this time. this is short bc halloween is my main project rn

“You're not gonna bail on us, right?”  
Ray asked with genuine concern on his voice.

“Who knows”

“Fuck off, Gerard!”  
He still sounded pretty serious. He actually wanted me there.

“Who knows? IfI get a stomachache or something after school…”

“You're not gonna fuckin’ die.” He insisted for the 100th time “Its just a party. You'll forget all about it in a week”

I am not going to forget all about it in a week. 

“Then why go at all?”  
It was a fair questionI felt.

If it was such a meaningless experience there was no need for me to be there. And if parties were, in fact, a big deal,I don’t want to be anywhere near them. The high school hierarchy was a mess that didn’t need to involve me. I was fine as a zero.

“We’ll take you there. We’ll hang out. We’ll get you home. There's nothing to worry about”

“You say that now. “  
To be completely honest, part of me was scared.

The crowds. The underage drinking. The whole meeting new people thing. I had already met new people! Like two already! There was no need for me to meet MORE people, that seemed excessive. I was just fine staying home playing video games. Maybe jerk off and go to bed.

“It's a promise”

“For now”  
I insisted. 

Sure, they were being nice to me now. But who said they would still be nice at the party? Who said they were truly my friends? I’ve been used for pranks before. People think it's hysterical to bring the loner boy to the party and prank him.

“There's no conspiracy against you. We all like you, dude”

“Lies”

“You're the one that always act like… like you hate everyone”

The problem obviously couldn’t be me. Obviously. It was them who were wrong. People hated me. People have always hated my guts. They weren’t there when I was getting yelled freak in elementary school. Or when I was cutting myself in middle school because everyone was so mean. They didn’t know what it was like.

“I do not!”

“Yes you do!”

“Not true!”

Had Iero and his gang stopped existing or something? People clearly didn't like me. IfI was constantly in a bad mood, it was their fault. They made me like this at the end of the day. I wasn’t negative. I was just realistic.

“If you go to the party and meet some new people… who knows. Maybe you could change some peoples mind about….you? Is that something you want?”  
Something changed on his voice. A realization. That maybe not everything can be fixed with party and some booze. 

“I dont know.”

****

It shouldn't have been a surprise, honestly. Once Ray started talking to some of his other friends (ones that did not know)I should have guessed. But Ray was being really nice and smiling at me every few minutes. I didn't think he was going to bail on me. But alas, he absolutely did.

Said he was heading to the kitchen. Guy must have gotten lost on his way there, cuzI did not see him the rest of the night. Patrick was still around, and he would nod and maybe tell me a few encouraging words. But nothing else. He was talking to his other friends.People that weren’t me.

Patrick did try to introduce us, but the conversation quickly died out and everyone slowly parted ways. See, I’m pretty bad making new friendships. Let alone making new friendships at a loud place with people pushing us around every couple of minutes. I felt nervous already. Meeting new acquaintances was making things things even more difficult.

I don't know why I do shit like this. Must seen like I get off in pain or something.

But really, im just _THAT_ stupid.

C-L-U-E-L-E-S-S 

When I looked at my phone I realized not even an hour had passed. I could go home *yet*. No one leaves that fucking early. No one. Even if I was going to spend the entire night looking into the distance . It was still better than coming home from a party before 11 pm. My pride wasn’t going to let me. 

The red solo cups and my phone were going to carry me through the night. Alcohol wasn’t foreign to me. It was one of the only traits took from my father. The bad one, of course. Not the self confidence or being tall… just being able to handle my drinks.

10:45

Almost there. 

“Fuck off!” Followed by an eruption of laughter “Fuck all the way off!”  
It was familiar. _Way too familiar_ for my liking. 

The people in the other corner of the room. A group of four loud friends. They were far away but their voices were enough. I knew that laughter. At some point of the night they had arrived and my drinks made me completely unaware of it. Now it was too late to escape and go home.

But that laughter was impossible to ignore. It made my stomach drop. 

It couldn't be. 

“Like you would fucking know,” He continued. “You wouldn't fucking know even if they hit you on the face with it”

Most of it sounded like gibberish to me. I was out. My brain had left the building. Panic was taking over. Started considering witness protection where they could change my name and move me out of the country.

“Well, is that a yes?” 

“I don't know man”

And then the worst thing happened.

We made eye contact. And it wasn't quick and casual. It was slow and movie like. For a second time sort of stopped. It was the fear, the nervousness, and something else. I stopped breathing.

_Fuck._

My next instinct was to run.

My feet tried to get me upstair as soon as it was physically possible for me to. I tried to keep my head down, tried to hide my bruised face in my leather jacket. Tried to stop listening to the voice in my head telling me my life was O V E R. 

All the bedrooms on the top floor were locked. And even though I tried to hide among the crowds of people I could see someone getting closer. Someone else was pushing the crowds around. And I could hear his curses from the distance…

I was gonna get my other eye punched sooner or later.

The only place I could open was the bathroom. I entered as fast as possible and pushed more people that yelled more four letter words to me. When I was finally inside I started hyperventilating. Too much was happening. I was so stupid. My chest went up and down, it felt like my heart was trying to get out.

I felt so anxious.

Then the door was pushed open with an unnecessary amount of force.

“What the hell are you doing here?”  
It was Frank. For fuck’s sake it was Iero. My heart started pounding even harder.

Then he locked the bathroom door.

Of course. With my luck, this is of course what happens at a high school party. This kid is gonna murder me or something. That has to be it. No other explanation. The way Frank looks at me is different from the way he looks at everyone else. He has something with me. I don’t know what, but it's no good.

"Leave me alone. Please. I'm not here to get into trouble. I’ll leave I promise. Please let me leave. I didn’t think you’d come"

All I wanted was some mercy. I had enough. I didn’t want to keep on fighting with the guy. I wanted to be left alone. Maybe I did step out of line for attending the party. But I could go. It was what I wanted, anyway. The people there clearly didn’t want me there.

“You won’t tell anyone about this, do you understand me?”  
He started pulling my hair tightly. I started crying. Couldn’t help myself. 

I was done. He had _broke me_. The tears kept rolling down my cheeks asI choked on my own saliva. My naive heart truly thought things could be different for me, but they can’t. And that’s fine. But now I was gonna get my ass kicked for merely existing and that just wasn’t fair. No one deserved to live like that. Not even me.

“Please I’ll go. I can’t do this anymore.”  
I really couldn’t. I tried to be normal. Tried to have friends. Tried to shower and wear nice clothes for once. And this is allI get. More threats and punches. I cried louder.

"Shut up" 

"Please man,I don't wanna get into more trouble. Please have some mercy"

"Shut up! Close your eyes!"

"I-i dont wanna get into..."

"Close your eyes"

That was it. He asked me to do it, soI followed through. The tears didn’t stop. But at least I didn't have to see him anymore. At least I had that. One less traumatic memory integrated into my brain.

I was waiting for the punch.

The one that was gonna fuck over my other eye. Maybe my nose. 

_But the hit never came._

He stopped pulling my hair, and held my head softly. Then I felt his lips pressed against mine. He kept our mouths together for a few seconds. I didn’t move. I was terrified still. All I did was feel the warmth of his lips. No pressing back. Just feeling his lips. 

The **“kiss”** was over quickly. 

If you can even call it that. Whatever that was. We opened our eyes at the same time. He looked at me with a soft expression. But I started trembling in fear. I didn’t know what was next - I was terrified. Why did my stomach felt ten things at the same time? Why did he do it? Was he gonna hit me now?

"Please don't hurt me. I'll give you money, anything. But don't hurt me"  
I think it made Frank filled with shame.

He ran away from the bathroom.

I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t tell if I wished I had stayed home or not. My mind was saying something, but my chest was saying something else.

****


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys like the direction this is going into or nah?

By the time Monday morning comes around, my anxiety reaches a breaking point.

That day I tried to convince my mother I was too sick to go to school. But she assumed it was because of some bullies and gave me the “sticks and stones” talk. It got me considering skipping school by my own means. Hell, I considered skipping town. All so that i wouldn’t have to see _him_

In my lifetime, I had gone through every single prank known to men. But this? This was new. Psychological shit. Got me questioning my own sanity and shit. Did i imagine the whole thing? Did it really happen? Why did it feel good? Why couldn’t i stop thinking about it? Why did my body want to be close to him again? It’s the worst thing you could do to someone, I think. Cause the entire weekend I couldn’t stop thinking about him, crying, watching romantic comedies, and jerking off.

He was a jackass. He treated me badly the entire semester. He was stupid and immature and a pain in the ass. But his lips were so soft. He made me feel so good. Why did it had to be him? Sure, maybe he _was_ the cutest boy in school. But why him? Couldn’t I get someone else? Anyone else? 

My first kiss got taken by a damn bully with a 0 IQ.

God, i needed to stay home. If i went to school things were going to get worse. 

“Gerard, are you ready now? Breakfast’s getting cold!”  
Mom yelled from downstairs.

Fuck. There was no hope. I had to go to school whether I liked it or not. And Iero was going to be there. And i didn’t know if I liked that or not.

But i had to get ready anyway. 

And I didn’t want to admit it to myself, but i was hoping he’d notice the extra effort. This monday i did the best eyeshadow look i could - using only my mother’s pink shadows by the way. And did my best eyeliner attempt. And maybe did my eyebrows. And shaved. And put on a bunch of chapstick so my lips got attention… Maybe i did that… And maybe Iero had something to do with it. 

 

Maybe.

But i was not going to fucking admit it. Not to myself. And not to anyone. Ever

Hell, maybe i wore the tightest jeans and the tightest shirt i could find! With my best leather jacket...Well, sue me! If I was going to see him that’s how I wanted to be seen.

My dad of course, considered that I “looked like a faggot”. And this time around he actually asked me to take it off. Probably because he didn’t want me to get beat up again. And also because i did look like the biggest fag in town. 

***

“Hey Iero look at this! There's a fucking clown in the hallway!”  
Of course.

Well of course. Second period and it was already happening. His stupid friends were finally ready to try to ruin my day. And they weren’t going to. Cause I looked good, and they couldn’t convince me otherwise no matter what.

“Daaaaamn, he looks like he works in the streets or something”  
Bert, one of Iero’s closest friends said.

Then he finally turned around and saw me.

“Yeah, jesus, what is wrong with you?” Iero finally joined the conversation, walking towards me as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing “You’re like extra faggot this day, its almost an accomplishment”

Iero. Oh, we meet again you asshole.

“That’s so creative, guys. I heard all of those in middle school too”  
I spit back to them.

“You’re disgusting man,”  
That’s all he said to me. And it was one of the most hurtful comments of all. Cause it was simple and straight to the point. 

“You seriously look like you’re desperate for someone to fuck you”  
Iero said with a smirk on his face.

 _Someone_ my mind lingered on the word. _Someone_

“Ain’t nobody wanna fuck this sad clown”

“Bet you think about it all day, don’t you?”  
Iero tried again, looking straight into my eyes and making my entire body shiver.

 _You’d love to fuck this sad clown_ i thought to myself, but stopped. No. This wasn’t the Frank from the party. This was something else. If i said that, i was gonna end up in the hospital….again.

“Why do you care so much?”

“Cause look at you, you’re walking through school looking like a damn whore waiting to get fucked. You’re fucking begging for it, man. I can’t ignore it”  
He goes. He’s saying all this nasty shit in front of his friends and they are simply too stupid to get it. It was insane. He was stupid. But not stupider than Bert or Adam.

“You’d have to pay people to fuck your ugly ass”  
Bert continues, completely unaware.

 _But would i?_. There was something in Frank’s eyes. A fire that i hadn’t seen before. His words were supposed to be menacing, but they felt diferent. They made me feel something i was NOT supposed to be feeling in school.

“You’d have to pay me a million dollars”  
Another one goes.

“I wouldn’t do it for a million dollars.”  
Bert says.

 

Frank stayed quiet. Just looking at me with that fire in his eyes. And a smirk. His friends thought the smirk was supposed to be for them. But I knew something else. I felt it between the two of us. And it was weird and exciting and hot all at the same time. God, that stupid kiss. I couldn’t stop thinking about how good it had felt. And even when I stopped looking at his fiery eyes, then his lips would distract me from everything else.

“Well you guys don’t have to worry about it, cause i wouldn’t get near any of you guys anyways: You can sleep safe at night now. And fuck off”  
Was my answer.

“You say that, but look at you. Not even girls wear jeans that tight.”  
Iero pushes me again, and I realize how much I’m starting to like it.

“Try to stop looking at them then and you won’t have to worry.” I said, teasing him back “I know its super hard, and that you’re too obsessed with me, Iero. But please do try to stop looking at my butt for once”

“Shut the fuck up”  
Adam pushed me against one of the lockers.

“You don’t wanna mess with us, you know you don’t want to mess with us”

Iero doesn’t say a thing.

****

For the first time in history, Frank Iero was at the library. He didn’t sit in the same table as me of course. He tried to be subtle. He had “homework” with him. But he sat right in front of my table. So every time I looked up, he was looking right back at me. And it was fun. I was drawing mostly, and thinking about the conversation we had at the hallway.

Iero’s words were supposed to be mean but they lingered in my head in a different way.

The way he said “fuck” over and over again with those fiery eyes. God, it made my jeans feel tighter. And then i would look up. See him and panic. And i was drawing again. I didn’t think I’d actually get that type of attention from him. And I wasn’t mad about it either. Cause it felt good. It felt really good hearing him talk about how much i needed it.

And there I go looking up again.

He’s still staring at me. He knows what the fuck he’s doing to me. And its torture.

But this time around, he bites his lip and then smiles. 

And that was it for me. Fuck. That was so hot. I couldn’t take it. I took my notebook and started heading towards the bathroom as soon as possible. I needed to get out of there. I felt like i was going to explode just from looking at his face. Why the fuck did it have to be him? Why not a nice guy who respects guys? Why did it have to be the absolute douche? WHy did i like it when he talked to me like an absolute asshole?

Fuckfuckfuckfuck.

I needed to go.

I needed to get him out of my stupid head.

His stupid lips and his stupid mouth. Ugh. It was all too much.


End file.
